The easy life

My life never seems to get easy. Fufilling, joyful, successful, exciting, rewarding, humbling, difficult, frustrating, challenging, and gracious...but never easy. It's odd, I think, that I look forward to the easier time in my life. Less bills, more money, less problems with family and freinds, more time for this, less time doing that...you know the easy time. Maybe next year or when this promotion comes or that schooling is over. When that person finally comes around and grows up, or that other person changes their ways, or when I move up, move out, or move on. Waiting for the next vacation or holiday. The next party or social event. The next big purchase or toy. The next step in life...a marriage, a job, kids, retirement. When all of the moons and stars align and you finally reach a point of contentment and life becomes easy. But that hasn't happened and although I have had moments of incredible joy and personal achievement, love, and growth. I have also had sorrow, pain, hurt, guilt, and shame in equal measure. And life doesn't get easy. I have also come to the realization that this craving for contentment and a sense of calm can only be filled permenantly by a relationship with Jesus Christ. I say permenantly because there are a whole lot of things that can deter your need for Christ. When my son was a toddler he had one of those shape cubes where you would insert different shapes into the cube...a star, a half moon, a square and so on. It didn't take long to figure out that you could slide some of the shapes throught the other slots even for grayson at two years old. There is a God shaped whole in each of us that can be filled with millions of other distractions. I know I must have tried 1000 different fillers before I found the only one that truly fits. And contrary to what has been said elsewhere, It is at that time that life truly becomes difficult, and easy. Confused? My experience has been that life with christ is a journey in which your old self must die and a new creation in CHRIST emerges. The difficult part is bearing the burden of allowing your old self to be killed off while the spirit transforms you. The easy part is that you don't have to do any of the work. Christ's work is sufficient and although I have not been sitting on the bench, any performance out on the field of life is a choice to let God do the work through me. I just need to remember to get out of the way sometimes. That doesn't jive with the conventional need for control and self reliance. And so the battle ensues. So as if I didn't have enough problems, I also have an internal battle for control where as I let God guide me through his ultimate wisdom...or I take the steering wheel and take my chances. Sounds like a blast huh. I left one part out. Because that God shaped whole is filled, true contentment is within sight. Difficulty has taken on new meaning and the love and peace I was missing out on has reached the forefront of my priority list through him. What matters in this life has taken on new meaning and urgency. For example when I got to see Lily for the first time I was moved to tears because of what she meant to Elissa and Kyle. I get so excited when I see my Aunt Russie and Uncle Michael I couldn't help but give her a kiss everytime I passed her. She probably thought I was nuts. When I hug... I let go last, I hugged Auntie MiMi for over a minute. I didn't want to let her go. I got to help my brother this weekend. We dug a pipe in his front yard. The truth is I could dig for the rest of my life and never come close to paying back all that he has done for me. I could not ask for more. I talk to my Dad at least once a week. I wish he realized how much his phone calls mean to me. He always seems to call at a time where it's needed. I long to spend time with Nic, a close relationship over the years has become closer and I cherish our talks. I miss those people that I don't get to see more intensely than I ever have, and I love more deeply and more compassionately. Maryn...words couldn't contain the love I have for you...I wish, I pray, I stumble, but I love you. Please don't ever question that! Through Christ we learn the love and compassion that caused and almighty God to sacrafice for us. And we learn to love in that same sense. Life may not get easier, but if easier means life without Christ and the people I love...then easy is not all it's cracked up to be.