The unspoken

We live in a world of unspoken...Sure we like to think of ourselves as assertive and forthright, honest to a fault. But we're not. What is it that we don't say you ask? How about I love you? Does anyone out there want to claim that they are just tired of all the people they told I love you too today? Has there ever been an over use of that sentence? How about I miss you, or I know your sick, but I have trouble facing that. We live in a world where our inner most thoughts, fears, tribulations, and feelings stay masked, sometimes for too long. The risk of saying exactly how you feel is imeasurable. Some won't agree, others will misunderstand, still others will be offended or hurt, and lastly some will be enriched, fufilled, comforted, helped, and enlightened by the words we fail to say and the feelings we fail to show. Even while crafting this blog youll notice that my own brain was wired to list those outcomes that were scary first. Not a new thought...I know. Can't tell you how many floral shaped sunsets with footprints on sandy beach e mails I get with this very advice and usually a mandate to send it on to 7 ( not five, not eight) of the people I care most about. If I don't then I am sure a piano will land on my head or worse, and god forbid I don't send it back to the sender...sorry Mom. But the underlying reason that we get these type of e-mails, and texts in my experience, is because as we get older, we realize all of the things we should have said. Hampered by pride, embarassment, shyness, guilt, pick your fence...the moment escapes us, the sentiment lost, sometimes forever. Maybe your like me and giving someone a peice of your mind isn't all that hard. Firing off a wise crack or standing your ground has never been and never will be as courageous as affection, forgiveness, acceptance, and love. In the middle of throwing a baseball with Tanner yesterday and contemplating this very thing, I blurted out "I Love You." It was incredibly awkward and I could see that he was unprepared for it. I must not say it enough. He giggled and saved me the embarassment by tossing the ball at least 8 feet over my head. Unusual for him. I could fill volumes with all of the things I don't say and in a tragic twist would probably be twice as uplifting, and supportive as the dribble that pours out of my mouth daily. I sometimes wish I had realized the damage created by playing it safe. One last conversation...it wouldnt take long. I loved you grandma, you always made me feel important and I loved the way you worshiped in ways I am only just beginning to understand. I miss you gram, you taught me what it is to listen and love. I thought of you grampy at work when I slid the radio channel to the Giants game and found myself wishing I had spent more time listening with you. I was scared Nana when I saw you in the hospital losing to cancer. I ran away and tried to hide, If I could do it again I'd do it different. I miss you Nanu, you always made me feel safe. I'm sorry I didn't fight for you. Jack, I hope you were proud to have me be with Wendy, I loved you and I never told you. A stare into the distance that indicates she has left here and has entered the world of memories. I can always tell when my wife is reflecting. I try not to go there. In a way, however, I can always find things that i didn't say to those that arent with us anymore...what about the ones we ignore? Just because you speak with someone everyday does not mean you SPEAK to them. I would not take for granted that those you love most know it! It's unlikely that the reason relationships are damaged is because we said "I love you" , "I care about you", "My life would be forever altered if I didn't have you." And in this game I would rather pay too much for it. Don't wheel and deal your affection based on the tides of life. In fact, It might be worth noting that people weather the most insufferable grievances by turning to the offender and saying I love you. Im pretty sure thats exactly what Christ asked us to do. In this lies the strength of character we try to achieve. His character can be aspired to in speaking the unspoken. Here it goes....I....I....I.....love cookies, Ok I need work.

The trip

After almost a year of deliberation we finally made a decision about our 10 year anniversary trip. Yes folks, one year, and the winner was...drum roll please...NO DECISION. Yes the two most indecisive people in the world given over 12 months to mull it over could not decide on a vacation destination and thus left it up to chance as we drove out the driveway and hit the open road. Our little camry, full of gas and optimism set out south. In truth, we didn't care where we were going. A sereies of unfortunate events in the family left us emotionally ready for an escape and some time alone, away from details and expectations. And so as we cruised down 99 the road became our candy store. No destination so we werent running late. No reservations to adhere too. And that became the attitude of the trip. Pull over here at this "Joshua Tree" she would say. And so my wife the shutterbug and myself...well...the guy married to the shutterbug set about in our carefree exploration of experiences not yet shared...it was like we were dating for the first time and I began to see all of the reasons not only that we got married but why we stayed that way.
Over the Tehachape and onto the 15 the car just sort of stirred its way into the desert and that Oasis we call Vegas baby. We booked a room at New York New York and set out on the strip to see the lights. We must have hiked 5 miles and a couple of margaritas later we decided to call it a night. Oh yea I lost 400 dollars that night. That carefree attitude began to turn into something uglier as visions of Oceans 11 danced in my head. After a phenomenal nights sleep I awoke early and headed down to the gym to do my work out. While there I booked a massage and pedicure for Wendy and spent the rest of the morning in a Sauna and a steam bath. Clear headed and ready to leave I headed downstairs in order to wait for Wendy and wouldn't you know it...I had 100 more dollars that used to belong to me but the casino had other ideas. Wait not so fast...Luck being the lady she is decided to pay me back: half an hour at the black jack table and I was back even $500. I walked upstairs and packed our stuff and told Wendy lets leave before they get it back!
It was off to Hoover Dam after the breakfast buffet. Now for lack of a better term I would say that my wife and I are dorks. Nothing would please us more than to tour things like the Hoover Dam or Yosemite or the Grand Canyon all day. We don't mind the miles and we both feel connected to the idea that the beauty of this country and it's achievements lie only a cars ride from our front door. Besides, as incredicle an accomplishment as Vegas is (and it is remarkable), We both could not help to see that it represents the very best of human achievement, and the very worst of our depravity. It ended up being wonderful to visit, fun to play, but rated low on our priority list for a second trip. Hoover dam was amazing and we spent the better part of the day there. What an incredible site, we highly recommend the underground tour. As we drove out of lake mead we realized that our plan to reach the grand canyon was a little ambitous. A few clicks of the i-phone and we were booked at the Monte Carlo. Night two in Las Vegas found us eating appetizers at "Brand Steakhouse" and incredible french desserts. By the next morning we were both Vegased out and decided to head North (?). A riveting car ride of... well desert. It became obvious to us that we might have chosen the least scenic route in America and so seemingly in the middle of nowhere we turned left and headed back to California through Parhump. LOL I know I just said hump. A few twists and turns aside and we ended up driving through death valley. You would think that this could not have been a significant improvement from our previous course but you would be mistaken. Death Valley is gorgeous, scenic, huge, remote, incredible...and we have the pictures to prove it. Deep canyons of rock, open scorched sand fields, dunes, imbedded with the deepest and richest of histories. It was at this time that i realized once again that we didn't need to know where we were going, and that where we were was amazing and significant, and we didn't even mean to be there. We exited death valley and scantered up the back side of the Sierras towards Bishop, a beautiful green vellay nestled up against the grand side of a huge mountain range. It was as if the mountains stopped at Owens Valley abruptly. All the way to Mammoth.
I had heard of Mammoth for years but I never actually visited. It was more beautiful than I had imagined. As the fresh scent of pine and mountain air began to seep in, a change in my entire being began to take place and I felt like I do when I get to the cabin in Tahoe. My wife looked at me across the table at a very nice restaurant and said..."you seem so happy." As we cruised back to our one bedroom apartment at the base of the mountain, I couldn't help to feel that perhaps this is where we belonged the whole time. No regrets just content to be there and wishing we did not have to leave.
The next day we left Mammoth and over Tioga pass into the Yosemite valley, truly breathtaking. at about 1:00 my entire mood changed as I listened to Brett Farves ridiculous pass to win over my niners in the final seconds of that game. I was in a mood for the rest of the day. Oh well, 1250 miles in 4 days and I could not help but to think that we proboably could have been gone for more. Thanks to my mom for taking care of the clan, It was nice to see the kids. As far as we drove I'm ready for the next trip, Wyoming/Yellowstone??? As a quick side note- the camry went almost 1200 miles on 2 tanks of gas.

Is it a memory?

What qualifies as a memory in your life? I have memories like flash pictures on a TV screen that come and go, The forest behind our house in Santa Cruz, sneaking into my brothers room, the first time I went fishing with my uncle, the day I spent with cousin tommy in carmel, the first time I made Nic laugh, and a billion more. The first time I met Uncle Mikee, The day Aunt Noel came to our house in Santa Cruz, playing pickle in the front yard of Auntie MiMi and Uncle Elmers the list goes on and on and just sitting here remembering makes me fully aware of the billions of gigabytes stored in my little computer brain of memories. Every person, every event like a mental rolodex stored and organized. Yesterday we laid to rest Uncle Dudie, Mattayou...Im not Maddatyou. He used to squeeze my cheek between the knuckles of his worn hands. As I got older he used to hug me for a long time between the years as to make up for all the ones he missed. As the casket was wheeled into the church, I watchd the faces of my cousins, that deep sense of loss written in on their hearts but magnified by the tears. My own heart began to sob, seeing loved ones in that state, and revisiting those times in my own life where the future was uncertain because a piece was missing and life would be forever changed. In the crowd of family I began to think about the memories and a flood of pictures flashed through my mind. I was usddenly wisked away to a simpler time and I began to rub the back of graysons hair as he leaned into to comfort himself against me. Without realizing it,I began to cry. I first cried because of the loss was witnessing but it soon became apparent that I was back at the funerals of Grammy and Grandma and Nana and Nanu and Grampy....wow, I have sat in this seat for a long time, staring out over a draped casket. I often have thought that you don't really ever recover from the death of a loved one. I don't seem to move on. I have never learned to deal with death rather I have learned to live life with the pain of loss. Which brings me back to the original question...What makes a memory? I remember things about my life and those that have left this world that are endearing to me. My Nanu always used to say "wait a while" when he thought I was getting ahead of myself. My nana used to love it whenI would sneak up behind her and kiss her. Grandma used to close her eyes and raise her hands and say praise you lord jesus at any time. I remember sitting by a radio listening to the Giants game with grampy. Grammy and I used to call eachother boy and girl. And Uncle Dudie used to say without fail everytime I saw him mattayou...im not maddatyou. As I get older I begin to recognize the attributes of those that passed away in myself. Almost like the seeds of their life where planted in me and i become a long term reflection of them. So in a way I am not just a memory storage bank, I am the living extension of them. Memories? we'll forget more than we remember...

Big Sur 2009

Everything changes

Fresh off the camping trip at Big Sur and as I look back at 4 days of fun , sun, food, family, friends, and campfires, I thank God for a great time and lots of laughs. First I want to say thanks to Maddi for coming. She really made the trip for us in a lot of ways, at least I know thats what Tanner and Grayson would say. As I have watched her grow it registers how grown up she has become somewhere in the back of my mind, spending the last 5 days with her has made me fully aware that she is a very special girl, and an absolute joy to have around. We were blessed. I hope she had as much fun with us as we had with her. At one point in the weekend we knew that Auntie MiMi and Aunt Barb (the other parts of the three headed hydra) where coming to see us. As the car pulled in I got the shock of the weekend, Uncle Elmer. After blogs and e-mails and here say, and stories there he was. It was hard to contain the tears. Three years is a long time when you really love someone and I hugged him as tight as I could. What a great surprise. Maryn and Thresher had to leave Sunday Night and although we continued to have fun, I found myself wishing they could have stayed. She made some fabulous desserts and Thresher played Bike mechanic for the weekend. I hope they had fun as I know we had fun with them there. Uncle Randy, Aunt Noel, Ethan, and Dominica came down for the day. It was awesome because they brought bread and we got to meet Ethan for the first time. I tried to be the nasty older cousin but he was a very cool guy (Dominica told me) and it was great to see them. They had plans for dinner, and left to early for me. I love hanging out with them. But they where kind enough to leave us Maddi so it was OK. My mom was a trooper, I could tell she was hurting but she never complained and spent gobs of time with Sierra which allowed us to do things with the kids like hike and go bicycling. Grayson kept us laughing the whole time with his Houdini hands, and it turns out Tanner is a heck of a fisherman/camper/bicyclist/climber/...you get the picture. Sierra loved the river and the Nani attention, and Wendy and I, though tired, are already talking about the next one. Gluttens for punishment I guess.
Now for those of you that have grown up going to Big Sur I have some teriible news. The Gorge is gone. Yes Gone. After almost 35 years of memories and 30 of them at the Gorge, we trecked up the river valley over bolders only to crest the last one and discover that the gorge had been filled with dirt. A gentle river flows through the chasm that used to be 12 or 15 feet deep. There is no swimming hole. At first i thought it was because of low water levels, but there where no rocks. Mudslides after the terrible fires last year filled in the river valley and the Gorge is no more. Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings but I guess everything changes.

The Aftermath

I remember thinking what a great day I was having as I took in my time with the kids. Baby on my side I unlocked the front door and swung it open glancing momentarily at the slider that leads to the backyard...It was wide open. I stopped for a moment and thought darn it the kids left the door open again...what I saw next will change me forever. There in the open cubby where are bigscreen TV used to be was a myriad of wires that used to find themselves attatched to what was now gone. I don't remember doing it but as I made my way to the back I set the baby down, I was ready for a fight and in retrospect I probably made the experience even more tramatic for Tanner as I screamed into the emptiness of my backyard at people who weren't there. Tanner, who had not noticed yet frightenly asked me what was wrong. We've been robbed son...

I thank God that the perspective of what was taken sunk in immidiately, it's just stuff and we have insurance. But days later as my wife slept in the bedroom with my kids and I kept playing out different scenarios in my head, I have come to realize that what they stole that day was much more than stuff, and we will probably never feel totally safe again. Perhaps it was naive to have ever felt that way in the first place. I'm sure that to the thieves that hit our house, we fit the perfect profile and our house was an easy target, I won't venture to know the mind of a thief. I can take comfort that our experience has heightened relationships with neighbors and I guess kicked a fence project I had been planning for years into high gear. In my eternal search to make sense of things however, I have not been able to shed my desire to hurt those that hurt my family. I know, not very christian...It's possible that my stuff was used to help a family in need or someone whos lost their job but I dont give a shit and the prospect of exacting revenge is like a ticking time bomb.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go all vigilante on anyone but I'm fighting mad. The people that hit our house have been working this area for a year and the police department has not caught them. When the investigation was done there where no fingerprints taken, I investigated possible witnesses and found three that could describe the car and the driver but the police didn't even write down what they had said.

In the Aftermath we installed an alarm and built a fence on the east side of our house that was vulnerable before. The police said they hit the same house three times in two weeks over by the Golf course...are you shitting me? Anyways, thank you for the calls and the prayers, we know God never gives us more than we can handle and I will extract his guidance from this eventually, but for now Its hard to see through the red. Everyone is safe, nothing was taken we can't replace and the whole incident has been a testimony to the strength of our family under very stressful conditions. Maybe im not that far off from that godly lesson.

I hear you...but

I've always been jealous of the people that say they hear God's voice. After all is said and done I can't honestly say that I have ever heard the voice of God. At least thats what I thought. On my key chain I have that poem "footprints" where this person is walking along with God and notices that when times are hard there are only one set of footprints, but during the good times there are two. So God is asked why he left the person during hard times and God replys "It was in those times that I carried you." Several years ago I took a look back at my life, all of its twists and turns, and I marveled for just a moment at this place that I am now, given the complexity of the journey. Before I continue let me just describe this place. Many people who become christians forget who they used to be, and this really is the vast divide that seperates some people from the message. Is it true that I have been saved by a merciful God? Yes, but to divorce myself from the memory of who I was, and in many ways still am, is I think, a way that people become lost in their faith. Where I am is not a mighty man of God, or an enlightened christian. Although I can be through the power of God, Im just Matt who accepts the truth and submits himself daily to be molded and guided to fufill the purpose for which he was created.

There are many christians that walk around throwing bibles at people, warning of eternal damnation and even looking down on the lost and confused. Did it ever occur to anyone that perhaps the reason the apostle Paul was never given a gold chariot and an army of thousands to deliver the message to the gentiles was because God knew that would appeal to an entirely different part of our nature. If Paul was anything other than a beat up wanderer surviving on the donations of the people he preached to, than many would be converted for their love of what Paul had. They would be attracted to christianity because of the gain they desired in their own wordly life. With Paul being such a bum, those that were converted did so on the strength of the message. And it was a pretty grand message. "Believe and you will have eternal life." That's a pretty good deal if you ask me! All I have to do is believe and I'm in...essentially yes. But the message did not look very appealing to look at Paul, The choice to become a believer was rooted in ones desire to know God and believe in the message of salvation through Christ. That in a nutshell is where I am. It is where I will remain in this life. Knowing God requires alot. Faith, study, submission, obedience, relationship, worship, and a host of other things in no specifc order.

I hold no special place in the heart of God because I seek him, He loves me no more than the sinner that has not turned to him for relationship and fufillment. This is the purpose of the parable Jesus gave us about the prodigal son. The brother had done everything right and yet when the prodigal son returned there was fanfare and feasts that had never been enjoyed by the brother who remained faithful to his father. The message was that God is seeking the lost, he rejoices in their return because they chose him over the world. Although he loved the brother's equally, his joy was that the prodigal son was lost, but now is found.

So what is it that draws the contaigous christian to God. Certainly not wealth, the bible says that it is more difficult for the rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, compared to a camel passing through the eye of a needle. Or gain in any other wordly sense. In fact Christ is remarkably clear about what you must give up, all of yourself. I struggle with this alot. Keeping or coveting just a portion of what we like in this world invites satan to place a seed in our garden and in the end we convince ourselves or allow ourselves to be convinced of all sorts of things. Let me see if I can hit a chord.

"The bible isn't to be taken literally, merely as sort of a guideline for our lives, it's contradictary and furthrmore modern Science has debunked alot of the old testament stuff, open minded people that look at facts would find themselves hard pressed to believe in creationism, or even a divine being. With all the different faiths out there it's obvious that there might be a God they are all talking about but there is no reason to believe that the bible is anymore than another depiction of him. One must search themselves to find what they believe and what works for them.

People...everything I just wrote came from the mouth of Christians!!! Have you ever said variations of those comments? I KNOW I have. In an attempt to appease or fit in or water down the intensity of the committment I allowed myself to be sold on a lesser bill of goods. It feels less guilt ridden when I can compartmentalize my faith. Surely I 'm a christian but can't be bothered by matters that are outdated and surely not applicable to today!

But is that the truth?

Last week at church we continued in a series pertaining to the ten commandments. It was an incredibly emotional day for me. On the one hand was this very powerful music, and as I closed my eyes to be with God I realized that to my right was my wife, my 6 month old daughter, my mother, and above all my sister Maryn. As i watched them sing and worship, I found myself struggling to contain the emotion of gratitude and amazement. Maryn lives far away and although she attends her own Church, once again standing together in Gods presence meant something very profound to me and it was made very clear in that moment that God hears prayer. But what was also clear is that something had changed over the course of my life and I can never go back. I can never unknow what I have come to know or more truthfully, I can never again turn my back on what has been written on my heart since I was created.

We can tell ourselves a whole host of things that explain away our need to come to grips with who our creator is. We can use our keen imagination and intelect to hypothesize god out of existance. We can tread along for years coming up with all sorts of reasons that the spirits call on our life is nothing more than an over active concience, some residual lesson from firm parents maybe? or (and I fit this category) merely a suggestion for a better life, rather than the full expression of the authors intent. Have you, like myself, been whispered to for years? Have you, like myself, thought that you could have the best of both worlds, content to pay lip service to your alligience to a church, a religon, or even Christ himself with out truly understanding it? I have said many times I speak humbly and on bended knee. No judgemnt, it is only for him to judge...no condemnation as their can be none from the previously condemned...no gimmicks, variations, marketing, or subtext. Seek the truth and the truth will be revealed to you. I said at the beginning I never heard the voice of God until last Sunday and you know what he said in deafening thunder, "I have been here all along"

A promise

After several weeks off from blogging I was excited to again be able to write about the things that I think about. Bloggging is a bit of a release for me and I really enjoy reading the blogs as sort of a history of where I've been and where I am going. I can update people as to the events in our life and you can say I get as much out of it as anyone else...weather they agree with me or not. After some criticism early on I accepted that not everyone would agree with what I said and was comfortable with that. In this life I have played the follower, it didn't suit me. But when people I respect criticize what I say or think, I listen. Perhaps there was a time I did not and I thought that in order to be strong we must stand against the tide of criticism and rebuke, especially in a biblical sense. However, it has been revealed to me that without changing ideals or opinions, criticism can open up pathways if you allow them too. There are smart people, dedicated people, loving people that don't see things as I do and relationships that are far stronger than any criticism leveled.

Yesterday Grayson was tryingto be funny for his parents and he wrote on a sign PU and taped it to his butt. His butt is a source of great laughter lately and he can't even hear the word without bursting into laughter. We told him the sign was inappropriate and so he took off and we thought it was the end of it. He returned a short time later with another sign, Ihat you. He meant I hate you and for some reason he thought it was funny because he was laughing. I immidiately scolded him for the content of the sign and although my tone and words where calm, he realized what he had said and went into his room and began to cry. I knew he was hurting, Grayson is very loving and when he realized what he had done, he felt ashamed and he knew he could not take it back, I walked into the room put my arms around him and said "Son, do you think that daddy believes that in life you will make no mistakes? He looked perplexed..." I repeated the question and he put his head in my shoulder. I was not mad about the sign, I only felt it incumbent upon me as his Dad to point out the error.

This is how I view criticism, my intent is not always clear, and my words not always carefully chosen. Passion gets the better of me sort of like humor got the better of Grayson. So I make a promise, In the future any political blog will contain factual, poiniant, and relevant material to underscore any opinion I may have. I will refrain from cursing in that it isn't necessary and in some respects damaging.

That being said, I am still just as passionately opposed to the direction of our Nation and the proposed policies of this current administration. I have arrived at my conclusions with a careful and realistic look into history. But a loved one has shown me that perhaps how a dish is served is as important as what is on it. I thank him for that.

Lastly, don't worry this is still a blog that is only 20% political. I am far more passionate about my family and the work that Christ is doing in my life and the lives of people around me. And that will continue to be the focus because that is what is in my heart

cant say it all

Happy days...I finally after 6 weeks got my sling off so that I can type without hurting myself. Let me just say that there where times in the past that I wanted so badly to blog about important issues and events in life...in politics...in faith and even though some would have sounded like wild rants an others like a great epiphany, I was forced to leave the dust on the keyboard and nurse my shoulder. Patience! The silver lining in this injury is that I have learned to be patient. And so out of every challenge, oppurtunity for growth.

Let me start by saying I had the most incredible experience as a NASCAR fan last weekend when thanks to cousin kev I got passes that basically gave me access to everything anytime. What a weekend! Being part of the festivities and action better than any sporting event ever (except the San Jose Sharks playoff game with my brother). Really enjoyed myself and am looking forward to doing it again with Kev this time.

Danny was in town for the AT&T and on Monday I was able to visit with him. I really value him in my life. The next morning I was able to see Uncle Michael and Auntie Russie for Breakfast. I don't know why but I just enjoy being around them. I always feel loved. And then Dad came and helped me out in Lemoore for a couple days. It's pretty satisfying to see my Dad smile as he interacts with my kids. He really fufilled a need for us those days as Wendy had to work. I really appreciate it, he saved our butts.

Read ahead at your own risk!!!

Let me give you fair warning oh politico haters. I didn't like him before and so is it any wonder that I don't like him now, especially since he is running wild unchecked. Its amazing that people position themselves so deeply intrenched in political position that they can't even use common sense. Everything I predicted has become reality in only his first 53 days.

But lets recap
1. The only person (and not really) that walked into this nightmare or as they like to say inherited it was Barack Obama. Perhaps the Messiah could have stopped the downfall of America if he had spent more time doing the job the people of Illinois hired him for rather than campaigning for the job he now currently holds. Of course I pointed out that before the election he was not an especially affective Senator (no legislation bearing his name) looks like the best thing he does is OBamboozle people int voting for him.

2. For all the rhetoric about class warefare and how democrats are for the middle class. I can't believe there are intelligent people that look at this administration, this congress, this GOVERNMENT and believe the absolute nonsense and bullshit that they are spewing. Ok middle class people pop quiz: You have a mountain of debt, a dwindling income, a dismal portfolio getting even darker, no retirement, and all your assetts are declining while your dollar is worth less. do you
A. begin cutting your spending, look to increase efficiency, downsize your expenses and tackle the debt. make lifestyle changes in order to stay in the black, sell off assets, and plan for the future...OOOOOR
B. Spend as if there is no tomorrow, buy everything you ever thought you wanted, Remodel the house, buy new cars, send your kids to work in a sweatshop and hope it all works out!
Well B of course (dummies).
I predicted programs that bring this country towards socialism and now we have it


Look, before the election I was concerned, I thought that people would at the very least change the channel off CNBC for just a moment in order to get the real skinny on either of the canidates. But that never happened, people where convinced that Bush was horrid and Mcain was another Bush. I in fact agree with this argument. Bush's last term was a failure...only...We probably disagree why. Mcain did not stand up for conservative America and in the end he lost the election because:

A: Style Baby! Obama is just too cool for school, the way he talks, the way his wife dresses, his command presence. I often think of the movie A few Good Men where Jack plays the hard Colonel Jessup. Man was he good "YOU can't handle the TRUTH" Boy was he believable, kind of like Barack on the tele prompter. But when the lights fade and Chris Matthew's leg stops tingling and all the slobber is mopped off the floor we are stuck not with the style of his speech but the substance of his policies. For those uninterested in the end result...Style matters.

B: Because he promised the world on a silver platter. Did not matter how, Barack promised everyone... everything. If you where poor help is on the way, middleclass your day is a coming, business owner where gonna help, minority where gonna fight, and the heavens are going to open...People with wealth are going to become philanthropists because no one under the evil years fit that bill , sea levels are going to fall, and fairness, transparency, and love will be wrapped up in the scroll and delivered with the sky opening and rainbows, and lollipops for all. OK I exaggerated a bit, sorry. I told my Aunt that I truly believe the President thinks all that he is doing is going to help create the America he wants and that he feels that because he was elected this is the America that we want. Not such a far stretch can't fault him for that.

But this isn't the America that I want and in speaking with people across the political aisle, I have discovered that they too are becoming uncertain of these incredible financial committments and the dismantling of capatalism and the attack on business. Perhaps they now realize the power of the vote. Perhaps they like me are beginning to understand that what they (our current government/most of them) want is not freedom, and choice...but regulation and legislation that says shame on you for aspiring to make more than 250,000 dollars a year and although you value your money we don't because we've got social programs we need to pay for. We must uphold and help those that make bad choices or have no motivation, the unlucky innocence of those who risked and lost. A very smart professor once said" when we eliminate the ability to fail, we destroy the incentive to succeed." I havn't talked to anyone however that realizes perhaps they made the wrong choice. ONly 53 days in and I am wondering what more of America does he destroy before they do. Maybe in 2010 when the tax hikes really kick in. IM taking Bets.

Change is the only thing that is certain

In life we experience so many things and I find it just a little odd that we always want to hang on to the great moments in our life. Don't get me wrong I love the blasts from the past, and we dedicate alot of effort trying to duplicate those fond memories with tradition and custom. But the only thing you can be absolutely certain of in this life is that it will change. People move on, move in, or move over and the efforts exaustively spent to duplicate those great times you once had become an exercise in futility. We can't live our lives over again... we can only live the life we have now. But change is not to be feared, remember when everything in the world was brand new? There is something about new that keeps us looking for the next change even though we miss the past.

In light of this let us look to the future of ourselves and approach the world with the newness of change. I am filled this day with a powerful sense of Peace and a wonderful inner joy as I see my world changing. Congatulations to Nic and Lindsay on their engagement...marriage might be hard, and realistically you hear so many people talk about this aspect, but they don't tell you about the fufillment and peace that comes when you spend your life with the one you love, your soulmate, your best friend. I could not be happier. To Russ and Kelly, accept advice from no one including me. The tools to be excellent, nurturing, loving parents lies within both of you already. This child is in answer to prayer and the fufillment of both of your dreams. Life could have no greater satisfaction than to see loved ones blessed.

And I would be remiss not to acknowledge the greatest of changes for the world and my life. Tomorrow we celebrate the birth of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ. Father in heaven, I ask that you would be with all of my loved ones as they travel. I thank you for the blessings bestowed upon us and I acknowledge with a loud vouce and humbled heart the greatest blessing of all...your son. Lord I pray for those loved ones I can't spend time with and for those that I will. I ask that you continue to use my life to bring glory and honor to you and you only. Let the spirit move in mighty ways and touch the lives of many this season bringing them to faith in you Lord Jesus Christ. I ask all of these things in in the name of Christ Jesus. Amen

Merry Christmas Everyone!

The tides of life

I used to go to High School with this girl named Christian. She and I became friends when I was a freshman and although we didn't hang together all that much we would talk from time to time and I considered her to be a friend. She had this way about her that was friendly and inviting and she was popular I'm sure as a result. One day during senior year she pulled me aside and said I have something I want to ask you...will you walk with me during graduation. I really hadn't given it much thought, senior year was kind of a blur and I wasn't teriibly excited about graduating, I guess I finally felt comfortable in High School. Story of my life...I always get good at things when they are about to end. At any rate I agreed and we walked that day out onto the field at cabrillo college. I hugged her, wished her well, and we went our seperate ways like so many other people in my life. I thought about Christian from time to time as I traveled through old memories. And I would fall away into that time where everything meant so much and yet unknowingly, we hadn't even scratched the surface of what our lives would be. And with a little sentiment I would wave goodbye to the past knowing that those people had a hand in the person I am today. And in that way I guess you never really lose them. But the world did lose Christian. In 2004 she lost a seven year battle with brain cancer. I had not seen or talked to her but one time in the 14 years since that day at the college and yet the news of her death affected me in a way I can't truly describe. In the hustle and bustle of life, time and distraction allowed me to think less about the friend I once had or maybe I wanted it that way. But I logged on to facebook and looked at a site dedicated to my class and there was a link to the Christian Hamel memorial fund. My emotions welled up inside and I was transported instantly to that last day. Her smile, her laugh. I stupidly had been drinking before the graduation but she helped me with my robe, and in some ways helped me through the ceremony (A moment in life I wish i could redo).
In opening up windows to the past I have discovered that I have truly lived a great life, and although I have had down times and valleys I have had joy and laughter and I shared it with people that matter more than I realized. These are the tides of life and wether it be high or low the people in the outer circle of our lives affect us more deeply than we think. I found myself wishing I could have spoken to her again and remembering how great and important she made me feel the day she asked me to share with her a milestone in both our lives. As sad as her story is I would like her to know that she touched me and I never told her.

...take the time to tell those people that have helped you, touched you, or lifted you up. Don't let the sunset on your oppurtunity to let people know that they are now and always will be important to you. If you do this, I promise you will in part be returning the favor but more importantly you can rest easy that the most important things in life where not left unsaid.

The reason for the season

I find it amazing that there are people that don't recognize the popular push in soceity to eliminate the God of the Bible. Is it that dificult to recognize. I love the lord my God, creator of heaven and earth, Sovereign ruler of the universe and redeemer. The Lord God sacraficed his only begotten son as just payment for my sin because he loved me. His blessings are too abundant to list and his awesome mercy immeasurable. He is the most high, and his kingdom is endless.

But don't mention his name! We don't want to offend anyone.

He created you and I for his purpose and with wisdom and love new us down to the hairs on our head. He stands as a beacon of truth and justice and his majesty trancends space, time, and dimension. He can speak the world into existence and he commands every creature and every event.

But don't stand up for him because we live in the 20th century and he is outdated.

With a swipe of his hand he can blot out the sun, he commands the wind and waves. He can heal the most broken effortlessly and he suffered more than anyone so that you could be with him. His love has no limits, His mercy no walls. In our quest to make ourselves more important he is shunned, persecuted, and scoffed and yet he never leaves and never quiets his call. He has layed out before you the fullest of lives and he knows you deeper than you know yourself.

But let's not offend anyone by recognizing Christs birth.

This is America, the great melting pot, land of many peoples and faiths. I recognize and respect that. But Christians have become the whipping post of the politically correct crowd. Christmas is about Christ. It is a day to recognize the birth of my lord and saviour. It is a holiday because this country was founded by people who believed that. You may not agree with any of the things I said at the beginning of this blog, but if you agree with the PC crowd you have to recognize the hypocracy of your stance. I thought we where to celebrate the differences and cherish the beliefs of others? And yet we have one day of the year that we recognize the birth of Christ, but this is offensive to those that don't believe. Happy Holidays they say as they sneer at those who bow their heads and bend a knee. If this is not your faith, Then enjoy the sentiment that seems to swirell around Christmas...the family time, the food, the friends. But Christmas is about Christ for Christians, it is not a day to be hijacked by those more concerned about offending themselves than offending God. Inclusiveness and equality apply to everyone if that is your mantra. At least Christians are consistant on this or should I say the scriptures are. Right is Right, Wrong is Wrong, Nobody is perfect. Christmas is about Christ, celebrate anyway you like, believe, don't believe, but leave it alone. He is the reason for the Season.

The core

Several years ago my grandmother died...Her death did more than bring grief, It splintered a family structure and left it in ashes. The family that she left was sent into a tailspin. I often had conversations with my brother about how she was the hub of an intricate wheel in which the spokes all spun around. She was that in life...and in death the family was stuck with the dilemna of what to do with the seperated pieces. Of course at first, subconciously, we looked to see who would fill her spot. This was ridiculous and an exercise in futility in that no one could, and I think we all learned, no one should. Death wasn't foreign to us, we had lost grampy several years earlier. But we had Gram and Grandma to shine for us as keepers of the faith. It wasn't easy for them, but they showed us how to except death and then...live! I see so much of my grandmother in my aunts and my uncles she... left such an imprint. I remember that any moment she would shut her eyes raise her hands and say "praise you Lord Jesus."

In light of this wonderful woman, is it any wonder that the core was formed. Look at the examples: Pa, Grandma, Grammy, Grampy, Auntie Russi and Uncle Michael, Aunt Noel and Uncle Randy, Uncle Peto and Auntie Fray. Fellow members of the core, these are our heros. Is their any question that at any time you could approach anyone of these people for help and they would walk to the corners of the globe to make sure you were safe. The core is an extension of them, you all are an extension of them and I feel very proud and humbled to be counted among you. This family, like every family, has never been perfect, and yet not only have we survived, we have thrived under a blanket of acceptance and love that I have rarely seen woven by strong faithful people that have held family up as second only to God.

To the core I echo this sentiment so eloquently laid out by Unc, we need not look to try to stay engaged in eachothers life because we already are. We don't need to ramp up efforts because in my world the love I have for you is effortless and easy. I am so proud of all of you and you should know that I often talk of you not as cousins but as brothers and sisters. When we are in town we want to see Maddi pitch and we are so interested in what is happenning in Davis and Mexico. Weddings, babies, furure engagements?, are all tops on our list of joyful news and exciting happennings. I love you guys and pray for you not only for strength and peace and guidance in your own lives, but thankfulness for the blessing that you are to ours.

We love you very much

Its not about what I want...

I have to admit...I want to be rich, driving the fancy cars and never having to look at my finances or struggle through bills. That would certainly help wouldnt you think. Money can't buy happiness but it's a hell of a down payment isn't it. Dedicating your life to what god wants for you doesn't strip away the desire for things that are worldly. I would even submit that those struggles that you have had in your life before accepting Christ Jesus actually intensify after the power of the holy spirit begans to guide you because you are now aware of those areas of your life that used to be sinful and displeasing to God. Along with salvation and peace comes discernment and responsibility. And one of the hardest things to do is to let go, and trust God with your entire life. Literally to let the spirit saturate your existence and allowing yourself to be an instrument of him in every situation. But thats great for the priests and pastors, what about me? What does that mean for me? Can I still have my Ferrari God? (What a good name for a book). It begs the question...can I be just a little bit in control or do I have to submit entirely to the will of God? What if God wants me poor? (oh the horror) I am always inspired by people like John Michael Portier who travels the country with his family in an RV worshiping God in every venue living off the donations from those he worships with. Thats a warrior for Christ. What If God appeared to me and said "Matt I want you to sell all your stuff and donate it to the poor and start traveling the country and using the gifts I gave you to bring the gospel to people who need it...my sheep need to be fed" Did anyone ever hear Bill Cosby do that bit about building the Ark?

"Noah, this is God, I want you to build me an Ark"
Noah: Right...Whats an Ark?
"It will be 40 cubits by 40 cubits"
Noah: Right...Whats a cubit?

The point is how many of us after release from the insane asylum would do what Noah did. How many of us can answer the call that God has for us. The ultimate designer has charted the perfect course. Life could be no more fufilling than to succeed in the only life plan worth striving to accomplish...God's. The problem is that God doesn't think much of my wordly desires, my materialistic way of thinking. I may want a Ferrari and it is not outside of God's merciful bounty that one day I might be screaming Ciao as I drive by at Mach 6. But is it in God's will? There are those that say God wants me to have that Ferrari. That we are sons and daugters of a gracious and giving God that will bless those that love him. Essentially for faithful servants of Christ we can have the best of both heaven and earth because we have God on our side. I don't discount this way of thinking. But we should be careful about how this is applied to our lives.

"If anyone teaches false doctrines and does not agree to the sound instruction of our lord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching, he is concieted and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions and constant friction between men of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth and who think that godliness is a means to financial gain." 1 Timothy 6: 3-5 (NIV)

Paint it any way you like, being rich isn't on Gods radar, at least not in the worldly sense. (Matthew 6: 19-20) Jesus talks about worldly posessions and their importance in relation to storing up heavenly treasures. This verse is often used by pastors as a proof text for donations (tithing, etc...) and I believe it makes a valid argument for earthly investment in godly endevours. This is important in the life of a trusting believer. But the reward of salvation can't be bought and if it could, we couldn't afford it anyway. How much is Christ's ( son of God) life worth? We invest in Gods work because we trust that are NEEDS will be met by a loving God. No matter how much I invest...I could never payoff the debt owed. And so I may not feel the plush leather of an F-40 sink underneath me as I stab the accelerator. And I would still be in the red when it comes to Gods ledger.

Christians, money isn't the problem and those with it aren't evil. I have to ask myself as I open the pages of motor trend magazine if the Ferrari gets in the way of God. Do I worship things more than I worship him. Do I spend more time on financial planning or spiritual growth. The undivided attention of the beliver to godly diligence allows us to make decisions that are in line with what God wants for us. I find it frustrating to speak to people that are disenchanted with God because they made poor decisions outside of Gods counsel, let alone conventional wisdom. I find it even more frustrating when people twist irresponsible actions and decisions into some righteous display of trust in which Gods will is ambiguously morphed into the wants and desires of the sinner rather than the other way around. Sadly this way of thinking has infiltrated Christianity causing a paradigm shift in the believer's understanding of the greatness, and awesomeness, of an almighty, sovereign God. God has become a yes man to the wants and desires of those that believe in his son rather than the sinner being a yes man to God for the awesome display of imeasurable suffering to pay off an entirely lopsided debt. In short, although God can and will bless us throughout our lives because he is good and merciful, He owes us nothing. And there is no faith formula or prayer that can move the hand of almighty God less he chooses so.

My counsel will stand and I will do MY pleasure (Isaiah 46:10)
Whatsoever the Lord pleased, that did he in heaven, and in earth, in the seas, and all deep places. (Psalm 135:6)

It's not about what I want...it's about submitting my life to what he wants and living the full life he has layed out for me from before I was created.

Can you phathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the almighty? They are higher than the heavens...What can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave...What can you know? (Job 11: 7-8)

What this means to me is that my desire must first be to align myself with god's plan and persue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness (1 Timothy 6:13) If in Gods sovereignty through my labors and sound financial wisdom based on godly principles I get to a point that I can afford my Ferrari than hop in and lets enjoy the ride together. Until then I will hold to the understanding that it is God's will that I seek him, everything else is secondary.

Putting this into daily practice is far more challenging. We live in a soceity where status is based on what we have not what we give. And so the battle to keep just a little piece of the uppity need for nice clothes and nice cars is really a sin of omission. We havn't given ourselves entirely to God. And perhaps it gives me pause to know that throwing myself into the arms of God might not work out the way I want it to and my Ferrari is merely a dream. Wordly thinking and sad if you look at it from Christ's perspective. I gave up my life and you don't know if you can give up your desire for a nice car? Makes me wonder why God bothers with us pea brains at all I mean how selfish can ones thinking be. This is why I feel the name it and claim it philosophy of so many churches is the ultimate form of arrogance or perhaps ignorance. Do you honestly believe that in addition to submitting his life for you, Christ is now obligated to serve your needs because you have announced yourselves as annointed. What Bible are you reading!? Gives credence to the words of Christ when in the last days there will be many who will say "but Lord, we performed miracles and drove out demons in your name" and Jesus responds" Away from me you evildoers, I never knew you."

HALLOWEEN

A DAY AT THE BEACH

Elections

Those who know me or read this blog know that I was dissappointed in the election results. I don't need to hash out my reasons...but in watching the post election coverage I was frustrated to hear a Mcain supporter say that he was going to treat Obama the same way that Democrats treated Bush over the last eight years, he even summed it up with "two can play that game"

Folks, agree or disagree, Barack Obama is the next President of the United States. And that office and the man deserve the respect and support of ALL Americans. The divisive politics that have split this nation are rooted in an attitude of seek and destroy between political divides. Obama faces extremely hard challenges whatever your political persuasion. Let us not dwell upon a political defeat but on a political oppurtunity. Perhaps new blood is exactly what the doctor ordered. The flip side of the same coin is a call to not support blindly. Let us judge this new presidents performance not with the stained rhetoric of hate we've heard for eight years but an honest evaluation of his performance as Commander and Chief. I freely admit that Barack is charismatic and likeable. Let us join together in prayer and support for our new President with respect and restraint as it relates to him and the office he holds.

I believe in Democracy and we are living history with an Obama Presidency. The election has taken place ,the votes have been cast and counted and here we are. The voice of the people has been heard. This cuts both ways such as in proposition 8. The electorate voted twice on this issue. Twice they agreed that they don't want gay marriage. Disagree? OK in 4 years introduce new legislation and spend your time between now and then convincing people you are right. If you win...you win, but if you lose, litigation is not the answer. Abortion, Gay marriage, prayer in schools are social issues that should be decided by the electorate, not the courts. Debated vigorously in the arena of ideas and then put to the people to decide. Don't like the outcome? Move to a state that agrees with you. It's that simple. I disagree with gay marriage and voted against it...If you are mad about that ask yourself, How many of those in the majority that voted for prop 8 could care less about the issue but voted that way because they have a fundamental conviction that the courts overstepped their bounds in overturning the will of the voters the first time? Weather you like it or not (Mr. Newsome), Presidents, social issues, bond maeasures of all kinds are voted on by the people as it relates to the public forum. The will of the majority gets subverted throught the legal process and we go round and round on issues that quite frankly will never be conceded by either side. Use reason and understanding to persuade the electorate then...RESPECT the vote!

Ok Two significant events today. Today Is Wendy's Birthday. And today is election day. I urge anyone that reads this blog to go out and vote today. Doesn't matter if you are voting for Barack or John, the right to vote for our elected officials has been won b the blood and sacrafice of many that came before us. We don't have to look to far to see real veterans right in our family. After you vote pick up the phone and call Wendy 559-816-1057.

Love you all
Flipper

Several years ago I was at a family reunion in Pittsburgh when one of my rather robust distant relatives tripped and fell. She landed with a pretty good thud and I remember that my first instinct was to laugh...okay I'm a terrible person but I think it's funny when people fall down. I remember my brother slipping and falling in front of the entrance at a ski resort...hang on...just the thought of it causes me to pause and laugh out loud. At any rate the lady ate it pretty good and she wasn't in the best of health to begin with. There was real concern among those of us that were not trying to hold back the giggles, that she could really be injured. I was not a firefighter at the time...I wouldn't become a firefighter for three more years but I remember that day. Of all the people at that party, my brother stepped forward in order to take care of the patient. I would learn later that the questions he was asking were standard EMT stuff but at the time, I thought my brother was a hero. He was calm and collected. He was doing an initial assessment but he sounded like Dr. San Filippo and I watched in utter amazement. Up until that point I thought being a firefighter was pretty...well...easy. "Put the wet stuff on the red stuff" as we like to say. I really had never thought about what my brother had been learning all those years working for CDF and attending classes. I really didn't appreciate the kind of mentality that he had developed that would allow him to remain calm in chaotic situations. (We're Italian so a meatball falling off the table is paramount to Armageddon, imagine what a falling relative is like). It wasn't the first time I looked up to my brother because quite Frankly I always looked up to my brother. In High School I played the sports my brother played. When I was little I used to sneak into my brothers room at night and sleep with him in his bed. But as I got older, I guess I tried to be unlike my brother...you know...forge my own identity. But after several years of forging (if that's a word) I came right back to that family reunion with my brother engaged in a crisis situation, calm, cool, and collected. I was right back to the point I left, 10 years before, I wanted to be like him. And three years later I became a Firefighter/Engineer for the Kings County Fire Department. Funny thing is, last night, I realized that maybe in some respects I will never be like I perceived my brother to be so many years ago. With the mentoring of my Captain and friend, I have developed into a confident Firefighter. There isn't much that gets me riled these days. Multi-casualty traffic accidents, fully involved structure fires, medical aids for broken limbs, stabbings, pulse less non-breathing, hazardous material spills, you name it, I've probably encountered it in some form or another. And this wealth of experience has only expanded my knowledge of the right and wrong directions to take early on an incident. I still have a lifetimes worth of lessons and experience that I haven't lived...but what feels good is that I am well on my way and at times, after the lights and sirens are off, I realize that I have become a little of what I saw in my brother that day at the reunion. However, last night, I was reminded of something that looms out there every time the bell rings. It's the improbable, the rare, and for me the dreaded..."Station 12 medical Aid for 4 year old not breathing..." I don't know how it affects the professionals around me or my brother, but dealing with children in trauma/life threatening situations is emotionally exhausting. The very first EMT call I ever ran was a 6 month old infant that aspirated on her own vomit. I walked in and the deputy police officer handed me the limp warm body of a baby just like my Grayson at the time. I performed flawlessly establishing an airway and performing CPR, I did everything right and yet I was crushed...I got home grabbed my children and weeped, I couldn't hold them tight enough. I learned two things that day, first that I can do this job, and second... I might never be like my brother. When the call came out last night, without anything ever being said, there was an extra sense of urgency. We both knew what was at stake and the clock is your enemy when someone is not getting oxygen. Although I acted in the same professional manner I had five years earlier, that same emotional pit clung to the insides of my stomach and I could feel a tidal wave of emotion as I watched the ambulance drive away. I remember talking to my brother-in-law Chris about this and he advised that I would have to find the strength somewhere to just forget about it. It made sense at the time, learning to understand I was not at fault for what happened, I was only there to help. But all these years later and I haven't been able to do that, and quite frankly I'm not sure I want to. I think my brother in law is probably one of the best persons I know, but I disagree with what he said only in this respect. I'm not sure I ever want to be the kind of person that sees a suffering child and isn't emotionally affected. And so I have come to the realization that maybe I will just have to ride this emotional roller coaster in the rare event that I deal with young children. Perhaps God wired me this way so that I would and do take this job to heart. Maybe that's why I love what I do. I have an emotional stake in every thing that happens after the alarm goes off. For whatever the reason it appears I won't be able to shake the connection I have with this type of emergency. And so in a way I have become just like my brother except I am wearing my own shoes...I guess that's close enough.