The unspoken

We live in a world of unspoken...Sure we like to think of ourselves as assertive and forthright, honest to a fault. But we're not. What is it that we don't say you ask? How about I love you? Does anyone out there want to claim that they are just tired of all the people they told I love you too today? Has there ever been an over use of that sentence? How about I miss you, or I know your sick, but I have trouble facing that. We live in a world where our inner most thoughts, fears, tribulations, and feelings stay masked, sometimes for too long. The risk of saying exactly how you feel is imeasurable. Some won't agree, others will misunderstand, still others will be offended or hurt, and lastly some will be enriched, fufilled, comforted, helped, and enlightened by the words we fail to say and the feelings we fail to show. Even while crafting this blog youll notice that my own brain was wired to list those outcomes that were scary first. Not a new thought...I know. Can't tell you how many floral shaped sunsets with footprints on sandy beach e mails I get with this very advice and usually a mandate to send it on to 7 ( not five, not eight) of the people I care most about. If I don't then I am sure a piano will land on my head or worse, and god forbid I don't send it back to the sender...sorry Mom. But the underlying reason that we get these type of e-mails, and texts in my experience, is because as we get older, we realize all of the things we should have said. Hampered by pride, embarassment, shyness, guilt, pick your fence...the moment escapes us, the sentiment lost, sometimes forever. Maybe your like me and giving someone a peice of your mind isn't all that hard. Firing off a wise crack or standing your ground has never been and never will be as courageous as affection, forgiveness, acceptance, and love. In the middle of throwing a baseball with Tanner yesterday and contemplating this very thing, I blurted out "I Love You." It was incredibly awkward and I could see that he was unprepared for it. I must not say it enough. He giggled and saved me the embarassment by tossing the ball at least 8 feet over my head. Unusual for him. I could fill volumes with all of the things I don't say and in a tragic twist would probably be twice as uplifting, and supportive as the dribble that pours out of my mouth daily. I sometimes wish I had realized the damage created by playing it safe. One last conversation...it wouldnt take long. I loved you grandma, you always made me feel important and I loved the way you worshiped in ways I am only just beginning to understand. I miss you gram, you taught me what it is to listen and love. I thought of you grampy at work when I slid the radio channel to the Giants game and found myself wishing I had spent more time listening with you. I was scared Nana when I saw you in the hospital losing to cancer. I ran away and tried to hide, If I could do it again I'd do it different. I miss you Nanu, you always made me feel safe. I'm sorry I didn't fight for you. Jack, I hope you were proud to have me be with Wendy, I loved you and I never told you. A stare into the distance that indicates she has left here and has entered the world of memories. I can always tell when my wife is reflecting. I try not to go there. In a way, however, I can always find things that i didn't say to those that arent with us anymore...what about the ones we ignore? Just because you speak with someone everyday does not mean you SPEAK to them. I would not take for granted that those you love most know it! It's unlikely that the reason relationships are damaged is because we said "I love you" , "I care about you", "My life would be forever altered if I didn't have you." And in this game I would rather pay too much for it. Don't wheel and deal your affection based on the tides of life. In fact, It might be worth noting that people weather the most insufferable grievances by turning to the offender and saying I love you. Im pretty sure thats exactly what Christ asked us to do. In this lies the strength of character we try to achieve. His character can be aspired to in speaking the unspoken. Here it goes....I....I....I.....love cookies, Ok I need work.

The trip

After almost a year of deliberation we finally made a decision about our 10 year anniversary trip. Yes folks, one year, and the winner was...drum roll please...NO DECISION. Yes the two most indecisive people in the world given over 12 months to mull it over could not decide on a vacation destination and thus left it up to chance as we drove out the driveway and hit the open road. Our little camry, full of gas and optimism set out south. In truth, we didn't care where we were going. A sereies of unfortunate events in the family left us emotionally ready for an escape and some time alone, away from details and expectations. And so as we cruised down 99 the road became our candy store. No destination so we werent running late. No reservations to adhere too. And that became the attitude of the trip. Pull over here at this "Joshua Tree" she would say. And so my wife the shutterbug and myself...well...the guy married to the shutterbug set about in our carefree exploration of experiences not yet shared...it was like we were dating for the first time and I began to see all of the reasons not only that we got married but why we stayed that way.
Over the Tehachape and onto the 15 the car just sort of stirred its way into the desert and that Oasis we call Vegas baby. We booked a room at New York New York and set out on the strip to see the lights. We must have hiked 5 miles and a couple of margaritas later we decided to call it a night. Oh yea I lost 400 dollars that night. That carefree attitude began to turn into something uglier as visions of Oceans 11 danced in my head. After a phenomenal nights sleep I awoke early and headed down to the gym to do my work out. While there I booked a massage and pedicure for Wendy and spent the rest of the morning in a Sauna and a steam bath. Clear headed and ready to leave I headed downstairs in order to wait for Wendy and wouldn't you know it...I had 100 more dollars that used to belong to me but the casino had other ideas. Wait not so fast...Luck being the lady she is decided to pay me back: half an hour at the black jack table and I was back even $500. I walked upstairs and packed our stuff and told Wendy lets leave before they get it back!
It was off to Hoover Dam after the breakfast buffet. Now for lack of a better term I would say that my wife and I are dorks. Nothing would please us more than to tour things like the Hoover Dam or Yosemite or the Grand Canyon all day. We don't mind the miles and we both feel connected to the idea that the beauty of this country and it's achievements lie only a cars ride from our front door. Besides, as incredicle an accomplishment as Vegas is (and it is remarkable), We both could not help to see that it represents the very best of human achievement, and the very worst of our depravity. It ended up being wonderful to visit, fun to play, but rated low on our priority list for a second trip. Hoover dam was amazing and we spent the better part of the day there. What an incredible site, we highly recommend the underground tour. As we drove out of lake mead we realized that our plan to reach the grand canyon was a little ambitous. A few clicks of the i-phone and we were booked at the Monte Carlo. Night two in Las Vegas found us eating appetizers at "Brand Steakhouse" and incredible french desserts. By the next morning we were both Vegased out and decided to head North (?). A riveting car ride of... well desert. It became obvious to us that we might have chosen the least scenic route in America and so seemingly in the middle of nowhere we turned left and headed back to California through Parhump. LOL I know I just said hump. A few twists and turns aside and we ended up driving through death valley. You would think that this could not have been a significant improvement from our previous course but you would be mistaken. Death Valley is gorgeous, scenic, huge, remote, incredible...and we have the pictures to prove it. Deep canyons of rock, open scorched sand fields, dunes, imbedded with the deepest and richest of histories. It was at this time that i realized once again that we didn't need to know where we were going, and that where we were was amazing and significant, and we didn't even mean to be there. We exited death valley and scantered up the back side of the Sierras towards Bishop, a beautiful green vellay nestled up against the grand side of a huge mountain range. It was as if the mountains stopped at Owens Valley abruptly. All the way to Mammoth.
I had heard of Mammoth for years but I never actually visited. It was more beautiful than I had imagined. As the fresh scent of pine and mountain air began to seep in, a change in my entire being began to take place and I felt like I do when I get to the cabin in Tahoe. My wife looked at me across the table at a very nice restaurant and said..."you seem so happy." As we cruised back to our one bedroom apartment at the base of the mountain, I couldn't help to feel that perhaps this is where we belonged the whole time. No regrets just content to be there and wishing we did not have to leave.
The next day we left Mammoth and over Tioga pass into the Yosemite valley, truly breathtaking. at about 1:00 my entire mood changed as I listened to Brett Farves ridiculous pass to win over my niners in the final seconds of that game. I was in a mood for the rest of the day. Oh well, 1250 miles in 4 days and I could not help but to think that we proboably could have been gone for more. Thanks to my mom for taking care of the clan, It was nice to see the kids. As far as we drove I'm ready for the next trip, Wyoming/Yellowstone??? As a quick side note- the camry went almost 1200 miles on 2 tanks of gas.